Mental Health
Last week was National Suicide Prevention Week and there was a recent mental illness-related incident on campus. This incident made me reflect on my personal journey with mental illness. I started suffering from anxiety during my junior of year of high school and experienced depressive episodes throughout my senior year of high school and my first two years of college. I tried group therapy in the beginning of 2017 and tried one-on-one therapy this summer. I never took any medications, but that was my choice and not necessarily the right choice. Right now, I’m experiencing one of my longest bouts of good mental health since my illness arose over three years ago and I have to say - it’s weird.
The ages 17 to 20 are probably some of the most important for developing identity - as you move from being a minor to being a legal adult and trying to figure out your future, a lot goes through your head. To some degree or another, I built my identity around my mental illness. I loved depressing music, explaining to everyone how the depths of melancholy were more expressive than happiness could ever be. I constantly made self-deprecating jokes, showing flashes of my insecurities masked by humor to feel like I knew how to cope. I got used to laughing off whenever people would follow those jokes with an “are you okay?” When it got to the point that I was referred to as a “sad boy” by a variety of people, I started to take steps to change myself.
I’ve changed a lot. I’ve found outlets for feelings and I’ve retaught myself how to think. I’m lucky I was able to achieve a better mental state and hope that I can continue coping in a healthy way. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, but there are some weird parts about no longer being anxious all the time. For a while, I used to think that I would never be able to really connect with people who hadn’t suffered from mental illness, since they wouldn’t “get it.” It made sense to me since all of my closest friends also suffered from mental illness and we would all bond about our feelings. All this time later, I’m genuinely afraid of going to the other end of the spectrum, unable to connect with the people who suffered like I used to. I feel as if I’ve lost a part of my identity that I nurtured for a while. I don’t regret it but changing who you are is always a strange experience.
At the same time, I find that people are becoming more open with how they talk about mental health, starting with internet memes about depression, anxiety and a variety of other things. Humor truly is a great coping mechanism, but personally, it kept me in a trap of not wanting to make meaningful changes in my life because of the relative comfort they provided. I’m somewhat wary of it as a method of bringing mental illness to the forefront, afraid that it may somewhat fetishize mental illness and make more people identify with their mental illness.
I know mental health is often a topic that is stigmatized, difficult to talk about, and often deeply personal. However, I believe it's important for more folks to share their experiences with mental health to break down these barriers and prevent more tragedies. I hope that writing about it is also a step towards helping destigmatize it. And remember, you are not your mental illness.
Drops of the Week
where I *drop* recommendations of cool things this week
Playlist
yuh - sorta soulful playlist that I made a few weeks ago and is just a generally nice vibe for backgrounds
Personal Essay
“Taking Up Smoking at the End of the World” by John Sherman - intriguing read about an American expat living in Berlin picked up smoking, somewhat in response to the presidential election
Photo Set
Iceland from Above - mindblowing drone photography
Thanks so much for reading! If you have any comments/concerns or fan/hate mail for me, you know how to reach me (links below).
Love,
Nikhil