Splash No. 194 - Writing Lovingly
Writing Lovingly
I once again find myself questioning the purpose of my work. I’ve spent my whole life doubting myself, and Splash has felt this ire as well. In my early days, Splash was simply a creative project for the sake of creating. It was a way for me to get my reps in, getting used to putting words down on the page, to get them in front of the eyes of others, regardless of the quality of the work and what was being said. And sometimes it’s still something like that, when I rack my brain for a topic and being writing, only to realize I’ve told that story before. Yet, other times it becomes more: a record of a time or a feeling, a set of words for someone in particular disguised as a mass dispatch.
In the latest iteration of her Grief Bacon newsletter, Helena Fitzgerald recounts a decade-long email exchange with her friend Vicky, “But I wrote Vicki long emails about it and she wrote emails back and in the emails even the worst things were beautiful. The record mattered more than what it recorded. All through the next ten years we kept writing them.” At the very least, Splash will always be a record, and any given letter can be just a record, or something more as well. Yet, this continued lack of definition has always created difficulty — what should one write about when there are no constraints other than time and how crammed my brain feels? Now that I’ve hit the most important milestone of 194 newsletters (I can’t wait until 200), I’d like to re-center what I want Splash to be.
I write because I must, and without writing, I become listless, confused, anxious. The act of creative expression keeps me grounded, yet it also helps me to connect with myself on a deeper level. In my writing, I uncover truths and feelings that I would continue to exist unperturbed under the surface of my mind. None of these things are ever my goal when writing though — I’ve strived for communication, for venting, for exposition, for information. Each of these purposes was valuable and created works that I’m proud of, but what if I focused on a simpler goal, that could be achieved through any of these means?
At its best, my writing has always been seeking to be an expression of love. I look to share warmth where I can find it, even in times of personal grief, rage, or sorrow. I write these letters to strangers, but I write them to my loved ones as well, and the most beautiful ones are always the ones where I stare directly at them and bear my heart to them. I have a lot of love to give and I must give it. I can’t always give it in the ways that make sense but I can always give it in words. And so, with Splash, I write in pursuit of sharing beauty through love. I hope you like it.
Drops of the Week
ARTIST - Lullatone - lovely ambient music duo that has served as my background music for a while.
ARTICLE - "Who Owns Your Story?: Transcending the trauma narrative" by Aminatta Forma - important piece that examines the overapplication of the word "trauma" and how that affects people.
POEM - "New Moon" by Ted Kooser - "I want to be better at carrying sorrow"
Donate to Trans Texas to defend the rights of Trans Teens Mutual Aid Networks
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Love,
Nikhil