Splash No. 202 - Giving
Giving
I long held a simple view of morality: anything benefitting the self was selfish and wrong, anything done for others was good. Following this idea, self-sacrifice for another was nearly divine — to both reduce the self and do things for another? An act of a divine being. Yet, if this was the case, how come it sometimes felt good to do things for other people and sometimes it didn’t? Was doing things for others really that morally good if it made me feel good? Was I truly doing anything for anyone else if I was still driven by the positive feelings that doing good for others granted me? There are no answers here, especially if we stick to such a narrow view of morality.
In the past, I’ve been a person who comes on strong at the beginnings of friendships, excited at the possibility of sharing the world I’ve spent my whole life creating. Look at these albums, they’ve brought me so much joy. Look at these memes, they shape my life. Look at these poems, how they’ve made me weep. At these points, I’m the most excited about these new people, not necessarily because of our interactions, but because they can receive all that I have to give. Some of these friendships would become looser, as I ran out of things to give, while others morphed, as I tried to find new ways to give. When I found someone who seemed interested in what I have to offer, I’d pour my time into them like it’s an infinite resource, buy gifts and fruit, make art out of toothpicks. And sometimes, I’d find myself feeling like an idiot for spending so much time giving my time and energy to people who didn’t seem to respect it, rather than giving it to those who truly matter: the ones who have given me their time and energy consistently.
My old view of morality is faulty for how I want to live my life. My obsession with giving at the cost of the self put me in a place that would never fulfill me. It feels good to give when the recipient can appreciate it and respect the gift. This isn’t a selfish desire, but a human one that allows for self-preservation.
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been at my parents’ house. Normally, this is a very jovial time for me, but unfortunately, my parents and brother have come down with COVID and I’ve been playing nurse the best I can. At once, I’ve been pushing the limits of my very poor cooking skills, vitamin juggling abilities, and general helpfulness, looking for ways to get my family to rest as much as possible so they can heal through it all. These aren’t the pretty moments, won’t go in the photo albums for us to remember, but they feel so meaningful nonetheless — more than ever before, doing the dishes or making breakfast is an expression of love, of purpose. My family has always been so open with their love, their energy and time. They’ve endlessly given to me, regardless of what it meant for them. And so I’m grateful that I can be here when they need me, and that I can give all that I have.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - april 22 - lots of atmospheric vibey stuff, some hyperpop, some country
ARTICLE - "Future Is the Best Rapper Alive" by Elliott Wilson - great profile of Future, featuring interesting quotes from some of his contemporaries like Drake
POEM - "Calling a Wolf a Wolf (Inpatient)" by Kaveh Akbar - "loyalty to a parent's past/I try to find small comforts"
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Yours,
Nikhil