Splash No. 204 - Transition Period
Transition Period
Lots of change is going on in my life right now. Tomorrow is my last day at Apple before I start a new job at a startup called Pave in a little over a week. I’ll be moving into a new room in a few weeks. I only recently returned to San Francisco after a month in Georgia. Individually, these things wouldn’t feel like much of a big deal, but in tandem, it’s destabilizing to have so many things in flux. Without being able to focus my time on a singular pursuit like my job or my job search or helping my family out, I find myself spending each day aspiring towards the future, barely living in what’s going on and daydreaming about the future instead.
I’ve encountered a few different pieces of content suggesting that a possible meaning of life is simply “enjoying the passage of time.” I like this idea — it’s not easy for sure, but it’s definitely straightforward. In order to enjoy the passage of time, a few things are needed: contentment with the given moment, a lack of attachment to what one has in a given moment, and an interest or excitement for what could happen in the future. For now, I feel like I have the latter two, but have been struggling to find said contentment.
After spending a lot of time alone last month, I had become convinced that I’d figured out the secret to being super content all the time, by just fully accepting myself for who I was and what I wanted. Obviously this was hubris, and I’m discovering that having some sense of purpose is a constant need to be able to appreciate any given moment. When I simply exist, not necessarily having a reason for doing anything other than the passage of time, it’s impossible to enjoy it. Yet, this isn’t the same thing as being unable to let myself rest or relax when I need to. This is more related to the times when I have the time and energy and power to act with purpose and I find myself aimless, without a place to direct this energy.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve always interrogated the “why” behind everything that I do that operating without it now feels impossible. I’ve always had to frame any action as contributing to a goal or being meaningful in some way, but only certain meanings have been resonant enough to drive me. For example, I could focus on resting with the purpose of preparing myself for my new job, yet that purpose would feel too unsatisfactory to allow myself to do it properly. So for now, I’ll accept the discomfort of these aimless feelings and discomfort, hoping that when I rediscover my purpose after all of these changes, I’ll be able to appreciate how wonderful it is to have a reason to act.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - suns out - summer playlist I've been working on
ARTICLE - "I’m Going to Miss You, But I Am Taking a Sabbatical" by Jason Kottke - really great blog post about a long-time blogger taking a sabbatical after decades of daily posts.
POEM - "Now What" by Solmaz Sharif - "America in 2019/means a poem will have to/contain dairy that is,/in fact,/not dairy."
Donate to Abortion Funds Mutual Aid Networks
Thanks so much for reading! If you're not already subscribed, I'd love for you to subscribe here. You can also check out my older newsletters here.
Also, I'd love to hear your thoughts— you can reply to this email if you loved or hated the letter, or you want to tell me about how your day has been. I'm all ears.
Liminally,
Nikhil