Splash No. 214 - Timeless
Timeless
As I walked through a frigid San Francisco July afternoon, a burst of wind cut through my hoodie to my skin. Immediately, I found myself steeping in melancholy memories — trudging through the GT campus during finals week in December, hurrying home in a night time darkness at 6 PM in my first winter in SF. One of my coworkers moved from Chicago to San Francisco in April and was marveling at the fact that so much time had passed. We discussed how the passage of time was incomprehensible here — our memories couldn’t be tied to a particular time of year based on weather alone. Instead, we lose track of months and February feels like May feels like July feels like December.
I didn’t expect to feel very different upon turning 25. I thought that I’d be able to brush aside the number and just fully exist in the moment and continue living my life as usual. Unfortunately, I’ve been able to shake a strange discomfort as my new number sets in. The ages of my peers and those I look up to feel much more evident than ever before. I had grown used to being the youngest person at work, only to discover that I’m surrounded by people my age and younger. None of this is new information — I’ve been called old by TikTok teens for years at this point, but all of a sudden it seems relevant.
For whatever reason, I only ever planned my life up until 25. I thought about finding a good job and living in a big city like San Francisco. I achieved these goals a couple of years ago, and ever since, I’ve experienced waves of existential crises every now and then, trying to figure out what was next. And even though I moved here over three years ago, it still feels like yesterday that I boarded that plane. At this juncture, I stare out in what feels like an enormous, unending void that is the future. I feel like I must’ve back then — completely unsure what the future looks like. I’m grateful for what I have and all of the success that I’ve found, but I can’t help but ask: now what? Do I just look to maintain this existence for the next however many years?
I doubt there’s any easy answers to my questions or the general ennui that I’ve discovered over the last week, and even if there were, I don’t think I’d like to hear them. I’m leaning into this discomfort for now.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - you know what's funnier than 24? - chaotic playlist I made for my birthday celebration
ARTICLE - "It’s Time to Put Actual Veggies Back Into Veggie Burgers" by Jaya Saxena - longtime vegetarians must unite against fake meat burgers
POEM - "I Must Become a Menace to My Enemies" by June Jordan - I must become the action of my fate.
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At some point,
Nikhil