Splash No. 240 - Re-balancing
Re-balancing
In the last few weeks, I realized how much I let my social life atrophy and how same every day had become. I spent most of my leisure time parked in front of one screen or another, letting time drift away until I went to work or I had to get some writing done. The ennui started in a trickle and then a flood, as I started to spiral into the existential crises that I’m so prone towards getting. I considered that it could be how things would continue to be for the rest of my life if I didn’t make an effort, which shook me to my core.
I’ve been socializing more lately — actually going to social gatherings, thankful for the friends who didn’t stop inviting me despite how few I actually accepted. It’s been lovely to change the pace of my day to day and to remember that there’s more to life than the daily grind. That much should be obvious! What is less obvious is how to balance an enjoyable life with the Real Life Things™ that need to be attended to.
I’ve had a lot of writing to do lately, between peer reviews at work, my multiple newsletters that I’m behind on, and another publication that I’m writing for. That, plus my desire to write more poetry, my full-time job, and my poor attempts to eat better and exercise, create what feels like an endless to-do list that takes up much of my mental space. When my social life was nonexistent, it felt a bit easier to check off all of these boxes but finding the balance with the amount of time and energy seeing people takes is proving to be a challenge.
I didn’t really know what to make of it all until I read the article “In Defense of the Unoptimized Life,” in which Evan Armstrong pushes against certain forms of self improvement. A quote that stood out:
“[W]e get so caught up in the daily grind, in the pursuit of the next step of the ladder, that we miss the point of being. I think the default state of life is that we will get filled up with small things. Whether small productivity improvements or minor inconveniences, it doesn’t matter. Either take away our chance to focus on something more.”
Armstrong continues to talk about how creating space in our life opens us up to more freedom to feel in deeper ways, experience the unexpected — things that go beyond traditional markers of success. Maybe that’s right, but it’s nuanced, since the Real Life Things™ still persist. I need to space to be open to experience, to see my friends, to have good times, yet the metaphorical bills still must be paid.
Perhaps there’s a way to do it all at once. I could be making a false dichotomy between things that are important and things that make me feel human, since I tend to think that important responsibilities can only be attended through solitary focus. I asked a tarot reader about my creative process and I drew both cards that hinted at a desire for a writing community as well as the “Hermit” card, which tells a pretty strong story about where I’m at and where I could go. Maybe I can both keep myself open to the world and do all that I need to do if I do some of these things in the company of others.
I’m still figuring it out.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - Umami - been enjoying this playlist from Spotify, some smooth electronic jams
ARTICLE - "Nick Cave on the Antidote to Our Existential Helplessness" by Maria Popova - "we are not nothing; and that our most quotidian human actions by their nature burst the seams of our intent and spill meaningfully and radically through time and space, changing everything
POEM - "One Art" by Elizabeth Bishop - "Lose something every day. Accept the fluster / of lost door keys, the hour badly spent."
Donate to Abortion Funds Mutual Aid Networks
Thanks so much for reading! If you're not already subscribed, I'd love for you to subscribe here. You can also check out my older newsletters here. I have a monthly newsletter called reflecting pool as well.
Also, I'd love to hear your thoughts— you can reply to this email if you loved or hated the letter, or you want to tell me about how your day has been. I'm all ears.
On one foot or two,
Nikhil