Splash No. 242 - Agency
Agency
I have a bad habit of seeing the day-to-day patterns I see in my life and assuming that they will continue forever. A few weeks will look the same and I’ll imagine that every following week will too. If I feel weird or sad a few days in a row, I wonder if this feeling could become permanent, or at least a recurring thing. Like clockwork, most things do change often because I choose to change, and sometimes because life is always changing.
After realizing that I was sleeping poorly consistently, I’ve stopped drinking coffee, instead opting for tea, which has helped a little bit. I’m also more sleepy in general, but maybe it will even out sooner or later.
And after realizing that it was getting warm again, I started running again. Life had other plans, as I injured my foot almost immediately, so I stopped running. When it first happened, I wondered if I’d ever be able to run pain free, whether I had a body that was simply not built to run. But even that is the case, there’s nothing I can really do about it, so we must march along regardless (but maybe not literally until my foot’s better).
And after a few days of feeling lonely for no reason in particular, wondering if the social life I always wanted was out of my grasp, I made some plans and my fears lessened.
I think this is all to say that I sometimes forget about the amount of agency I have in the world. Each day, I look around and see such an enormous world that relentlessly keeps turning, regardless of the actions of most of the 8 billion people all living their lives. Feeling small can be a good thing, when it gives you perspective about what’s happening in your life, but it can swing too far in the other direction. When you feel too small in the world, it sometimes feels like life happens to you rather than through you. But it doesn’t. You have the capability to make change, at any time. Even as the world keeps turning.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - february 23 - how is this month almost over already?
ARTICLE - "The Sound of Grief" by Matthew Schnipper - deeply moving article about grief and music
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In action,
Nikhil