Splash No. 251 - Summer of 2019
Summer of 2019
“He pointed out that ‘either/or’ is one of the basic flaws in all Western thinking, like ‘either intellect or emotion’ instead of ‘both… and…’”
-William Burroughs
In a move that could only be driven by some combination of star placements in the sky (retrograde? an eclipse maybe?), I found myself looking through my old photos and journal entries from the summer of 2019, when I first moved to San Francisco. And as you’d expect, it drove me to feel like a wistful old man, reflecting upon his distant youth. The photos told half of the story, as I could look back at what fascinated me about the new city I was living in. I saw and remembered my attempts to go out and meet people, to see as much as possible, and the various people I met in the process.
Meanwhile, the journal entries filled in the rest of the picture. Compared to now, I was so much more neurotic, obsessed with trying to improve in every aspect of my life. I felt deeply insecure about everything I was doing. A quote from my entry on August 6, 2019, “Sure, today’s tired day will be forgotten in the endless march of time, but it made me realize that I’m failing to live up to any potential that I could have.“ Jeez man, was it that serious?
Despite that, there was a lightness to that time, a feeling of possibility about what life had to offer and all that stood in front of me. I was in a new city, starting my adult life after living in Georgia my whole life. I had more freedom than I’d ever had before and anything seemed possible. When the pandemic began nine months later, much of that feeling went away, as life as I had started to imagine it dissipated before my eyes.
That summer of 2019, I was exploring and getting to know a city in ways that I don’t do as much now. However, it was often driven by an intense anxiety about wasting my potential that made it difficult for me to enjoy it as much as I could’ve. I’m happy to be where I am now, a little wiser and a lot less stressed. I see others in their early 20s acting a lot like I did when I was younger and wish that they could understand how well they’re doing and how much they can achieve without second-guessing their every move.
And despite that all, I miss it deeply. I miss the friends I had at the time that later moved away. I miss the friends I had then who changed and grew up, sometimes without me. I miss the restaurants that closed and how every place was new to me. I miss the time I spent falling in love with a city that I still don’t know fully. I miss meeting new people all of the time and how easy it felt, even with my limited social battery. I miss going on a trip with people I barely knew. I miss bonding with the small team at my first company, when my work wasn’t as stressful, and when I barely knew what I was doing. I miss having the novelty of my new home allowing me to forget my homesickness.
Both the time was imperfect and I loved it. At least in retrospect.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - something with a BEAT - i made a drum'n'bass playlist
POEM - "The Trees" by Philip Larkin - "The recent buds relax and spread, Their greenness is a kind of grief."
Donate to Abortion Funds Mutual Aid Networks
Thanks so much for reading! If you're not already subscribed, I'd love for you to subscribe here. You can also check out my older newsletters here. I have a monthly newsletter called reflecting pool as well.
Also, I'd love to hear your thoughts— you can reply to this email if you loved or hated the letter, or you want to tell me about how your day has been. I'm all ears.
Backwards and forward,
Nikhil