Splash No. 131 - Joy in Others
Joy in Others
The label of “best friend” enticed me. To be called a friend was an accomplishment, but a best friend? That was the stuff of legends. As a kid, I suffered from an inability to make friends — not only because I was shy, but also because I never like I had a strong enough definition to classify the people in my life as such. Were we friends or acquaintances? Acquaintances or peers? The lines were blurry, and it all seemed so arbitrary to me. I drew my own lines in the sand and imagined a version of a best friend akin to a romance novel’s depiction of a soul mate — a perfect match in every way, without a single fault to be found. And I thought that my inability to find such a person indicated that I was bad at friendship, a loner unable to rise in the ranks of camaraderie. In reality, I was someone who had impossible standards for the people I wanted in my life, making it hard for me to keep anyone around.
But for a while, I considered myself a loner and decided that the presence of others was a nice accoutrement to my life as an individual facing the world, rather than a necessity. I spent time alone, thinking that my introversion could be a badge of honor that gave me the cool, outside perspective that everyone wanted. Yet, I failed to reap the rewards that solitude was associated with: I didn’t feel any more sure of myself, I couldn’t escape my desire for attention, and I just felt terrible.
So, I began to let my impossibly high walls down — accepting that no one was going to be my perfect best friend and that looking for such a thing was setting myself up for disappointment. I began to meet more people and become more open. I found my best friend in pieces: the sense of humor from the disco producer, the philosophical banter from the Twitter friend, the emotional support from the diamond maker. I found that all of the qualities I wanted in a best friend didn’t have to come from a single person. And I found that every person I met had the ability to make me feel a little bit more alive, for better or for worse. That even if I didn’t like someone or they were unkind to me, that they could still make me feel less terrible than when I was alone.
—
We’ve always needed each other to survive. We needed each other when we were just hairless apes in the African savanna thousands of years ago. And now, we still need each other, hairless apes all around the world. At one point, being a loner was dangerous because you’d be defenseless to predators. To prevent this behavior, our brains changed, pushing us to find joy in each other, to connect to each other, to suffer without each other.
We all have ideas about what it means to connect to another or to show love to another. But, are those ideas the only way to find each other? Does connection only come through parties and meals? Does love only come through weddings and dates? Or can we find it sprinkled around in what we still have? In texts and calls and letters and gifts and Zooms and Meets. In recommendations and playlists. In silences and shared sights. In pixels and words.
Drops of the Week
ALBUM - The Ascension by Sufjan Stevens - I decided to only listen to Sufjan Stevens this week and ended up listening to this album three times today. It is that good.
ARTICLE - "Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden" by Melanie Hamlett - headline says it all.
BOOK - Dept. of Speculation by Jenny Offill - I read this book in a single day. Incredible novel told in a unique way.
The new president may not be a white supremacist, but there's still work to be done. With each day, we move closer to a more equitable world. Reminders:
Ways you can help
Anti-racism resources
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Warm hugs,
Nikhil