Work
Love of work. The blood singing
in that. The fine high rise
of it into the work. A man says,
I'm working. Or, I worked today.
Or, I'm trying to make it work.
Him working seven days a week.
And being awakened in the morning
by his young wife, his head on the typewriter.
The fullness before work.
The amazed understanding after.
Fastening his helmet.
Climbing onto his motorcycle
and thinking about home.
And work. Yes, work. The going
to what lasts.
—“Work” by Raymond Carver (1982)
I’ve been told that I have an unhealthy relationship with productivity. If I spend too many days without spending a few hours working and getting things done, I begin to spiral into an existential crisis. I’ll worry that I’m not only wasting my time but also that I’m wasting my life. I’ll think about how I’ll leave the planet without making any real impact on the world or even the people around me. That I’ll have failed to follow dharma (spiritual duty)and that my life will push me further away from the path to my eventual enlightenment. After I spiral for a while, I usually feel guilty enough to create a to-do list with everything that I need to do. I’ll start checking things off, and most of the time I finish everything, feeling like the king of the world and a paragon of all virtue.
At times,I think I’ve made a lot of progress at combatting my spirals from unproductivity, but at other times I think I’ve just gotten better at rationalizing my actions as progress. I can think of time spent with friends as networking and improving my mood and energy so I can work better. Time spent meditating or working out improves my focus. Watching TV is a good break that helps me be more productive later. Everything is still viewed through the lens of working towards something. Being raised in a capitalist society that values output, efficiency,and creation makes it easy to think this way, but I really struggle to imagine other ways of thinking.
I feel like I’m moving towards a more accepting and content way of thinking through my rationalization, but I wonder if I can ever shake my ever-present desire to do something. I think a lot about being a virtuous person. Based on most religions and belief systems, the path to becoming a virtuous person is to fight and rebel against human nature in different ways (resisting temptation, finding focus, etc.). Is it a virtue to move against our bias to action? Or perhaps, is there a way to still work on what’s important without it taking over your life?
Drops of the Week
where I *drop* recommendations of cool things this week
Article
“How Austin’s design hurts minorities” by Audrey Lynn McNay - intriguing read about how urban design can be used to systemize racism and oppression in ways that are difficult to undo.
Film
Swiss Army Man - this is a bizarre movie but apparently it’s Daniel Radcliffe’s favorite movie that he’s ever done. It’s an odd experience to come to terms with the fact that your important childhood characters may not love their roles the way you do.
Playlist
far far away - I made a playlist that was meant to feel like a long drive to somewhere far away. I’m not sure I succeeded and am working on making it better.
Thanks so much for reading! If you have any comments/concerns or fan/hate mail for me, you know how to reach me (links below).
Love,
Nikhil