Splash No. 152 - Faded Memories

Faded Memories

Listen, listen, listen. Do you know how many things you’ve forgotten? No, right? There’s no possible way to know what you’ve forgotten, because if you did, then you’d remember it. Memories in general are what shape our behavior — they’re a key part of our learning process. And so, it’s totally possible that there are countless memories that have shaped the way that you are without you realizing it. Your brain learns so much in the first few years of life, often building habits that stick with you throughout the rest of your life. There has to be some explanation of why I can’t resist Taco Bell, right? 

As a child, I was a great spectator. I was the number one fan of my brother, Neil. The five-year gap between us allowed me to enshrine him as an infallible genius — someone to be admired for all his actions and all that he did. I can’t possibly remember everything that we did together, but the pieces that I do remember seem to neatly outline the structure of my life all these years later. Is it any wonder that I love computers after watching my brother conduct magic tricks — conjuring music videos of Dragon Ball Z clips set to Linkin Park’s greatest hits with a bunch of clicks and keyboard shortcuts? Is it a surprise that I love watching people playing video games after a childhood watching him send Link around the various dungeons? How could it be that I became a creative person, after seeing him teach himself Photoshop or find ways to make music with an aging Compaq and Windows Sound Recorder?

Zooming out even further, how many things happened to build the world that we walk through? The possibilities of our present are enabled by our past, even dictated by it. We stride through a maze carved by our ancestors, even if the constructions that guide us seem to fade into the background. And without realizing we were handed hammers and chisels and began whittling our own twists and turns for our future. We not only stand on the shoulders of giants but also work alongside them, destroying and collaborating, guided and guiding. 

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There’s a horror short manga story by the incredible manga artist Junji Ito called “The Enigma of Amigara Fault,” in which an earthquake reveals a large ridge covered with seemingly endless holes in the shape of human silhouettes from ancient times. As people come to look at the holes, many of them find themselves drawn to specific holes, which are shaped perfectly to match them. As they enter the holes, they’re unable to exit and must proceed forward, even as their bodies must change shape to fit through them. Partly due to the fact that the people turn into horrifying monsters at the end, I think I could find a metaphor in there about the way that our lives are dictated by invisible forces, often forgotten, which shape us in ways unrecognizable. 

And yet, I refuse to fully bow down the forces unseen and only be acted upon. We have power and we don’t. We can only do so much with the memories that we carry — burdened and saved by our ability to let moments of the past drift into nothingness. But we can do so much with the memories we carry, especially when they appear in our hands and limbs and hearts. I don’t have the memory of when I first learned to love; I don’t have the memory of when I first learned to care for another; I don’t have the memory of when I first discovered beauty. Despite it all, I love, I care, I marvel.

How many more experiences will I forget before I learn to grip my chisel more strongly? How many memories will fade before the fear does? And how can I act to make these days memorable, if not in my mind, then in my bones, in all that follows?

Drops of the Week
 

• ALBUM - Someone Will Be There For You by Lontalius - soft atmospheric pop by my favorite Kiwi musician

• ARTICLE - "History" by Heather Havrilesky - interesting dive into the shifts in online shopping over the last couple of years.

• POEM - "When I See André 3000 Buying Bananas at Trader Joe’s" by Jon Sands - a really honest poem with a great framing by a great poet.

With each day, we can move closer to a more equitable world. Reminders:
 

Donate to Asian Americans Advancing Justice Atlanta Mutual Aid Networks

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Earnestly,
Nikhil