Splash No. 162 - Twenty-four
Twenty-four
I write this letter on a Wednesday that happens to be my 24th birthday. And for some reason, I feel like I need to come away from this day with some greater takeaway, surmised from 23 years of life and meant to guide the rest of my life. I suppose it has something to do with milestones and looking forward to things. On my twenty-second birthday, I looked towards the open expanse of adulthood and the mysteries of it that I would slowly uncover. On my twenty-third birthday, I looked toward the end of Covid restrictions. And on my twenty-fourth birthday, I look for any landmark in the foggy future. More than ever before, the future is an unformed lump of clay that lays in my hands, waiting to be formed into whatever I choose.
When I was younger, I thought my twenties would be dedicated to my career and becoming the best at whatever I did. This was ambition — which I’d always internalized as the ideal way of living. A lifetime of calls to “do my best” at everything all the time does that to a person. But now, the traditional success stories of ambition don’t really appeal to me anymore. I don’t idolize billionaires or even successful musicians and writers. I don’t idolize anyone. Every human achievement is a forest — an ecosystem of many different beings pushing and pulling, working together and against each other to create.
The most beautiful section of any book usually sits near the end and rarely extends for more than a couple of pages. The acknowledgements, in which it is revealed that the idea of a solitary writer is a myth, a delusion of rampant individualism that erases the identity that every writer builds from their peers, their nemeses, their partners in crime, their friends, even the guy at the local deli who makes incredible falafel wraps. The more I write, the more my writing feels like a reflection of the people in my life, however small their roles might be. And the more I write, the more I wonder if I can focus entirely on just myself and my own writing, or projects with just my name on it. I wonder if accomplishing a goal like publishing my work or having a book would really fulfill me.
For now, rather than focusing only on being the best writer or reaching some accolade or award, I’d like to center my ambition on supporting the people in my life, on their books, their albums, their work, their lives, their pies, anything! I’ll keep writing, I’ll keep working, I’ll keep walking, but none of those feel as important as helping others to do the same.
Today, Mary Oliver’s words resound:
“In the beginning I was so young and such a stranger to myself I hardly existed. I had to go out into the world and see it and hear it and react to it, before I knew at all who I was, what I was, what I wanted to be.”
I will continue to go out into the world, experience it, cherish it. But for now, I march in this direction, a step behind the people I love and will love, to catch them if they fall and to push them forward when they falter.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - sax - an playlist compiling a bunch of songs with the saxophone in it!
ARTICLE - "‘Welcome to the Mesh, Brother’: Guerrilla Wi-Fi Comes to New York" by Bliss Broyard - really fascinating article about an alternate approach to getting affordable internet to urban residents!
POEM - "O Me! O Life!" by Walt Whitman - an appropriately existential poem~
With each day, we can move closer to a more equitable world. Reminders:
Donate to Chinese Progressive Association Mutual Aid Networks
Anti-racism resources
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Supportively,
Nikhil