Splash No. 185 - 2021
2021
Here we are, at the end of yet another year, and all the bizarre baggage that comes along with it. I feel uneasy, trying to figure out how I could begin to reflect on the last three hundred and sixty-something days while starting to look ahead at the next chunk. I feel deeply dissatisfied with how 2021 turned out. I keep thinking about where we were at this time last year, kneedeep in a deadly winter surge, with what seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel — seemingly miraculous vaccines that promised to end the pandemic. And with that came such hope! We had hope that everything would soon be back to normal, the collective nightmare over and celebration to return to what had existed before.
In January, I wrote this: "Learning the hundreds of millions of doses that would be available by the summer-time was a revelation — our endless night had an expiration date.” The expiration date came and passed, and for a few months in the summer the daylight shined endlessly. I excitedly returned to San Francisco, began to rebuild a life there, and meet new people to replace all those that had left in the darkness. It was a glorious time when everything seemed more beautiful than ever before. It was everything I had dreamed of in the prior 12+ months. Unfortunately, reality set in, and I soon developed a phobia of Greek letters.
Ultimately, my expectations got the best of me, as the pandemic didn’t suddenly disappear once vaccines became available in my country, and that we still had a long road ahead of us. The disappointment has been acrid, souring my view of the whole year.
But there was beauty in this year, as some of the most missed things returned (at least for a little while) — seeing friends, eating at restaurants, the movies. I grew as a writer, publishing my first poem, writing my first paid essay, and taking a workshop with one of my favorite poets. I read a lot of books and didn’t enjoy most of them, but All About Love by bell hooks was transformative. I watched a lot of movies too and realized that I really do love musicals even if Lin-Manual Miranda's face frightens me sometimes. I met so many new people who have brought so much to my life, even as so many people drifted apart over the last couple of years.
I was so happy in the first half of the year — first when I was at home with my family, living a simple life of working, reading books, watching movies and TV, working out, hanging out with family bubble, and then in the novelty of returning to San Francisco. There was happiness in smallness and routine and happiness in novelty. Maybe that’s the lesson to take from this year: to avoid staking my happiness on the big things of the world and zooming into what I can control, what I can offer, who I can touch.
I move towards 2022 uneasy and uncomfortable with the state of the world, wondering what I can do to make it feel better, for me and then for those around me. I’m thinking about my creative and spiritual practices, which have withered outside of this newsletter and always been deeply entwined. I’m thinking about reminding people in my life how much they matter because it’s hard to find anything else that matters more. I’m thinking about stretching my arms until they encircle the trees and oceans and the hills and valleys and I can give the biggest hug I can — to you, and to me, too.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - thunderstorm warning - calm playlist I listened to while writing this one
ARTICLE - "Why so much Obama-era pop culture feels so cringe now" by Constance Grady - this is a weird article that I don't necessarily like or agree with but it's fun nonetheless.
POEM - "In the New Year" by Natasha Rao - feels apt
With each day, we can move closer to a more equitable world. Reminders:
Donate to the family of a victim of police violence Mutual Aid Networks
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Happy New Year,
Nikhil