what my hands knew

on the uses of the body

It was a beautiful party. Merry voices, warm lighting, candles, decorations, cake — what else could one ask for? It wasn’t my party, I was simply the person with the apartment and the boyfriend of the birthday girl, but mostly, I thought of myself as the co-host. My girlfriend had had a vision for a long time of what her birthday party would be like, and I sought to be the executor of that vision. It would be a talent show with the aesthetic of a fairy-tale circus.

During the party, I made sure that there were always enough napkins, crackers, fruit, cheese. That glasses were full. I ordered food as people began to trickle in so it would arrive once everyone was there; I prepped the television so people could easily share if their talents involved drawing or presentations. Beforehand, I went through the mental checklist: vacuuming, wiping down surfaces, making mocktails, hanging streamers, planning the pizza order, ironing tablecloths.

I found myself relishing the opportunity to be useful, to try and create a wonderful experience for everyone who would be in my home. I enjoyed being able to focus on building on someone else’s creative intent, working from a detailed Pinterest board and instructions on how everything should be. Unlike my own creative projects that would often get blocked by my lack of will or my aversion to making decisions, I was freed from such thought, able to serve as a steward of another’s creative vision. I felt honored to be trusted with such a thing, especially one that was crafted with such intensity and specificity.

It was a beautiful party. It came together better than I expected, perhaps because I hadn’t tried to throw an event like it in a long time.

I suppose it surprised me that I was capable of making something beautiful in the real world. I sometimes forget that I am not just a digital being, when most of my life hasn’t been in the real world. My hobbies, my job have all been largely digital. My days begin and end with a phone or an e-reader in my hand. And even when I use my body in the gym or walking, my ears connect me to the digital.

In contrast, there were my hands. They did more than tap a screen or type on keys. No, they were more useful than that, working parts of the world to make an idea into something real. I doubted how much decorations could make a difference in how my apartment could look until my hands were able to prove me wrong. The same thing would happen when I tried to cook or otherwise really engage with the real world. Reality was always so different from anything I could think of. There was so much to the world that my analytical mind didn’t know, even though it liked to believe it had accounted for everything.

For much of my life, things would stop with my brain. I would spend so much time imagining how I’d ruin a recipe that I’d never cook. I would give up on the party before a streamer was hung. But it’s different when there’s another person, when there’s love. It’s easier to cook when the meal will be shared, it’s easier to throw a party when it will make someone happy.

It was a beautiful party. The first of many.

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💧 Drops of the Week 💧

• LIVE PERFORMANCE - Nujabes Mix by OMA - I listen to a ton of Nujabes, and this live performance adds a lot of juice

• POEM - “My Story in a Late Style of Fire” by Larry Levis - And maples along a street in this neighborhood until / They’re all moving at once, until I feel just like them, / Trembling & in unison.