Splash No. 172 - Growth
Growing
Lately, I’ve been identifying heavily with the idea of “growing up.” That is, I’ve been focused on balancing improving myself with self-acceptance. When I was younger, it felt like growing as a person was an additive process — I was an unformed mass, with no real skills or discerning features. So, trying to be a better human being simply involved things like building social skills or learning new skills (like writing or something). And in this simple framework, it was easy to find confidence and comfort. From my perspective at the time, I wondered why people didn’t just continue to get better over time, growing and adding and simply gaining more and more positive attitudes and skillsets.
And of course, at some point, it became clear that there were only so many things that I could conceivably focus on learning and doing, and that I wouldn’t always have the time and energy to grow as I once did. Yet, accepting this fate was extremely difficult, having to confront the completely unknown nature of the future and the likelihood that I wouldn’t always be becoming a better person. After the consistent linear growth I spent all of my childhood and teen years, I had to accept that the graph of my future would look more like the stock market as a whole rather than just Gamestop.
I’ve gained plenty more skills since I was younger — I can write more clearly (on most days), lift more weight, run further, communicate better, and so much more. But these feel so much less consequential than they would’ve to my sixteen-year-old self. What’s the point of all of these skills if I couldn’t accept the flaws that I have, the flaws of others, and the limits of each of us as human beings?
I’m thinking about this quote from John Paul Brammer in his book Hola Papi:
In unlearning my tendency to be critical of myself and others, in meeting people I'd previously discounted, in marshaling my courage to express myself in ways I hadn't allowed myself to before, I'd accessed the most nourishing experiences of my life. It might make me less hateful and more accepting of the people around me; I would no longer have to examine their flaws for fear of recognizing those same flaws in me. They weren't flaws at all. That catharsis was something I wanted for everyone.
After internalizing the idea that I needed to constantly get better, through new skillsets and beyond, I found myself criticizing myself and others when they couldn’t change. Rather than trying to empathize with the complexities of human life that keep us from being perfect angelic souls, I would focus on what was lacking in everybody, especially myself. And I still do, but I’m making progress. I wonder why my friends don’t text back and wonder if it’s something wrong with me or wrong with them and try to remember that people get busy and that people rarely act out of malice. I wonder why I can’t do everything in the world that would make my dreams come true, but then I remember that would make things too easy and that there is only so much energy and time in a day. And maybe one day I’ll remember the latter pieces before the former, and I’ll have grown so much more than I ever thought possible.
Drops of the Week
PLAYLIST - september 21 - september's playlist, featuring Drake, pop punk, emo jazz, folk music and city pop
ARTICLE - "Is Going to the Office a Broken Way of Working?" by Cal Newport - the idea of an office sounds so foreign at this point, but I'm glad to read plenty of articles about it.
POEM - "The Life of a Writer" by Jalynn Harris - "the streetlight is not the moon, but anything can be made beautiful under the ease of my hammer"
With each day, we can move closer to a more equitable world. Reminders:
Donate to Help Afghan Refugees Settle in NorCal Mutual Aid Networks
Anti-racism resources
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Truthfully,
Nikhil